INT. EVENING. PRESENT DAY. A BAR ROOM IN AN AMERICAN CITY. BOXES LINE THE FLOOR. A MAIN ENTRANCE STAGE LEFT. BATHROOMS STAGE RIGHT AND FEW COCKTAIL TABELS AND STOOLS RANDOMLY FILL THE ROOM. A MAN AND WOMAN ARE CARRYING A COUCH THRU THE FRONT DOOR.
MAN: Can you believe someone was throwing this away??
WOMAN: Stop.
THEY BOTH STOP MOVING, BUT STILL HOLD THE COUCH WITH BOTH ARMS.
WOMAN: Did you get this off of someone’s curb?
MAN: Yes. Well, technically it was on someone’s road.
THE WOMAN IMMEDIATELY DROPS THE COUCH.
WOMAN: BUGS! OH MY GOD! so GROSS!
MAN: What are you talking about? I don’t see any bugs?
HE REMOVES A CUSHION.
MAN: Look here! a half eaten sandwich! If there were bugs, don’t you think this is where they’d be?
WOMAN: I’m gonna throw up.
MAN: Don’t hit the couch. I don’t know if it’s stain resistant.
WOMAN: We can’t have this in the bar, Mark.
MARK: What? Why not? I was gonna clean it! I’m not an animal.
WOMAN: Who knows who or what has been on this thing! Or the things that have been DONE on it! Oh god.
SHE RUNS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM.
MARK: Arlene! C’mon! Don’t you think you’re being a bit dramatic?
MARK LEANS ON THE COUCH AND RESTS HIS HAND ON THE SPOT WITHOUT THE CUSHION.
MARK: Why is it… wet?
HE HOLDS UP HIS HAND, PAUSES AND THEN SLOWLY BRINGS IT TO HIS NOSE.
MARK: ULP… Oh my GOD. Okay, you’re right!
MARK PUSHES THE COUCH OUT THE DOOR IN ONE SWIFT MOTION. HE WALKS TOWARD THE BAR LOOKING AT HIS WET HAND.
MARK: May have to lose this hand.
HE TURNS ON THE FAUCET BEHIND THE BAR TO WASH HIS HAND AND THE WATER SHOOTS STRAIGHT UP INTO HIS FACE.
MARK: GAH!
HE FUMBLES FRANTICALLY WITH THE FAUCET TO GET IT TO STOP AND IT FINALLY DOES. ARLENE ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM.
MARK: The faucet is doing that thing again.
ARLENE: We can’t afford another visit from the plumber. You’ll have to fix it this time.
MARK: Is that a wise choice? I mean after the infamous lightning disaster of March 23rd?
ARLENE: You were fine. The ER nurse said they were only minor electrical burns.
MARK: I can hear color now.
ARLENE: The plumbing wrench is under the sink. Now act like you’re a man.
MARK: Jury is still out on that.
MARK CLIMBS UNDER THE SINK. ARLENE STANDS OVER HIM, HER LEGS STRADDLING HIS.
ARLENE: Ooohhh… Might have me a little lonely wife with the plumber scene here.
MARK: First you emasculate me, then you objectify me. Make up your mind before I electrocute myself again.
ARLENE: You can’t electrocute yourself on plumbing, stud muffin.
MARK: I guarantee you I can find a way.
ARLENE LOOKS TOWARDS THE DOOR.
ARLENE: Where’d Satan’s couch go?
MARK: I decided it wasn’t right for the place.
ARLENE: What did you find?
MARK: I found moist and that’s all I’m gonna say about it.
ARLENE: We’ll find something else for the lounge. Some rich couch benefactor will come our way and we’ll be lousy in Davenports.
MARK CLIMBS OUT FROM UNDER THE SINK.
MARK: Fixed! Maybe. I need to work on the cocktail menu tonight. Wanna get pizza and we can put our heads together.
ARLENE: Maybe we can combine for at least one complete thought.
MARK: I know you’re tired and scared and worried, but this is gonna be great. I’m so excited you’re the one taking the leap off the cliff with me.
ARLENE: I’m not going to sleep with you. Even if you are my husband.
MARK: Fair.
ARLENE: You know I’d run every red light for you, right?
MARK: red AND yellow. Yes.
ARLENE: I’ll call for a pizza. We still have beer in the fridge?
MARK: A few High Lifes, yeah.
ARLENE: We should try and make that cherry bourbon punch later. That was a good idea.
MARK: Yeah, I like that one.
ARLENE GRABS TWO BEERS FROM THE BAR COOLER AND OPENS THEM.
ARLENE: What else?
MARK: I really like having the “Naked and Famous” on there. It’s a good drink and modern classic. I know it’s not ours, but people like to see some old and new classics on cocktail menus.
ARLENE: I agree. And it’s such a good drink. What about something super sweet? Maybe with Amaretto?
MARK JUST STARES AT HER.
ARLENE: Ha ha. Well, I have one like that when I start my OWN bar next door.
MARK: Game on.
THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE FRONT DOOR.
MARK: Come in!
A UPS DRIVER DRAGS IN A VERY LARGE BOX.
UPS: This is 283 Pine, right? There was no number outside.
MARK: Yes! Sorry. The numbers are in any one of these boxes.
UPS: Sign here please.
MARK SIGNS AND THE DRIVER TAKES A PICTURE OF THE BOX WITH HIS PHONE AND EXITS.
MARK: Thanks! Come back for a drink when we’re open! Sometime in the next ten years.
ARLENE: Oh hush. What is that?
MARK: I’m not sure…
MARK OPENS THE AIRWAY BILL.
MARK: Gasp!
ARLENE: What? What is it!
MARK STARTS RIPPING AT THE PACKING TAPE FIRST WITH HIS HANDS AND THEN HIS TEETH.
ARLENE: Dude…
ARLENE BRINGS HIM SCISSORS FROM BEHIND THE BAR.
ARLENE: Why are men?
MARK TAKES THE SCISSORS AND STARTS ON THE LAYERS OF TAPE.
MARK: I believe we were first, if I remember catholic school correctly.
ARLENE: What’s in the box??
MARK HANDS HER THE AIRWAY BILL.
ARLENE: GASP!
MARK: I KNOW!!
ARLENE STARTS TO HELP RIP AT THE CARDBOARD AND TAPE. THEY FINALLY GET THE ITEM OUT OF ITS PACKAGING, WITH THE BACK FACING THE AUDIENCE AND THE FRONT FACING THE COUPLE.
MARK: It’s real now.
ARLENE: No going back now.
MARK: It’s so COOL.
ARLENE: I really love the name. It has grown on me.
MARK: Thanks. I’m a nerd, but a nerd about own the coolest bar in town.
ARLENE MOVES IN FOR A KISS. THEY KISS AND EMBRACE.
MARK: Let’s bring it into the foyer so it’ll be easy for the guys to install.
THEY EACH GRAB AN END AND PICK UP THE ITEM.
ARLENE: Can we afford to pay the guys to install it?
MARK: Let’s flip around so my end goes out first.
THEY TURN AROUND TO REVEAL A BRIGHT COLORED SIGN IN COMIC BOOK FONT. IT READS “SUPERMAN’S LAUNDRY.” IN SMALLER FONT BELOW: “A BAR FOR NERDS AND DIRTY SECRETS.”
THEY BEGIN TO WALK THE SIGN OUT THE DOOR.
MARK: Well I’m not installing it. Remember the ladder incident of April 13th?
ARLENE: How could I forget. You fell on ME.
THEY EXIT WITH THE SIGN.
LIGHTS. CURTAIN.
END OF SCENE I